Basic HTML Version
14
April – June 2014
www.deltalivingmagazine.com
Funn
side
p
u
y
By Charleen Earley
charleenbearley@gmail.com
I
wrote this humor piece
the day before this year’s
Valentine’s Day for a girlfriend
who kept receiving automated
calls from Rite Aid pharmacy.
We laughed about it, especially
after she said that for the last few
years, her only relationship had
been with Rite Aid. Naturally, it
got my comedic thought-wheels
spinning, and I wrote this for her.
Hope you enjoy it as much as she
did.
Dearest Rite Aid,
With Valentine’s Day just
around the corner, I have just
one question to ask you:
Will you be mine?
I mean, you already are, there’s
absolutely no doubt in my mind.
I hope there’s no doubt in yours
too.
You are the closest thing I’ve
had to a serious relationship in
such a long time. And might I
add, the sweetest thing that’s ever
happened too. And I’m not just
talking about your candy isle ei-
ther. Can we say, bar-none, you
are best.
We go way back, a chance
meeting in Oakland one night
some 30+ years ago. We met
when I was pretty down and
out, but there you were, open, so
bright, so big and so full of rem-
edies and fixes, I honestly felt as
though my search for Mr. Rite
had ended right then and there.
You’ve been there for me all
these years. You’ve never closed
your doors on me – even when
I left my wallet at home on ac-
cident. Turns out, you had my
phone number on file. I knew
you’d never throw it away. And
late hours is your middle name. I
love you for that.
When I’ve moved to other
cities, you followed me. Your
dedication moves me like none
other.
You were there for me when I
was sick. On isle 4, you led me to
a large can of Campbell’s chicken
soup.Yum. It healed my soul.You
knew.
When my sinuses went hay-
wire, there you were on isle 10,
offering me Zyrtec. God bless
you.
When I couldn’t sleep – most
likely thinking of you – I found
blissful slumber and sweet dreams
with your Benadryl on isle 6.
When I needed a boost, you
sent me to isle 8 for some Rock-
star Energy drink. YOU are my
Rock Star. You rock my world,
more than anyone has ever
rocked it before.
I cherish every one of your
beautiful calls at all hours of the
day and night, to remind me to
come visit you – not that I need
reminding, mind you.
When I needed to laugh,
you walked me down isle 2 and
showed me the mirrors. I got it.
If I can’t laugh at myself, then
what’s the point?You get me.You
REALLY get me.
When I needed to feel pretty,
you took me to your back wall
and introduced me to a gal named
Neutro Gena.You always lead me
to the Crème de la Crèmes.
Rite Aid … will you be my
Valentine?
I promise to stay faithful to
you forever. I want to grow old
with you by my side (or down
the street). My brief encounter
will Walgreens will never happen
again.And just for the record, we
never kissed. I just walked in, and
then walked out.
Know this too … no doors
swoosh open better than yours.
XOXO
Charleen Earley is a comedienne,
freelance writer, humor columnist,
high school substitute and journal-
ism teacher, and Publisher of Delta
Living Magazine. Reach her at
charleenbearley@gmail.com.
Rite Aid… will you be my Valentine?
DELTA LAUGHS